Ohio State vs. Michigan Jokes

UPDATED: November 29, 2014

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Mike W. walked into our living room with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing a Michigan jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Michigan pom-poms.

I said, “Hey! I don’t allow stuff like that in my house!”

Mike got down on his knees and begged. “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”

“Well … Okay,” I said. “But I’m warning you. If there’s any trouble from either of you, you’ll have to leave.”

The big game began with the Wolverines receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal. With that the dog jumped up on the couch, and began giving high-fives to everyone.

I was surprised. “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Wolverines score a touchdown?”

Mike looked at the floor and quietly responded. “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for four years.”

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Q: What is the difference between a Michigan jersey and an onion?

A: No one cries when you cut up a Michigan jersey.

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Two boys are playing football at a park in Ann Arbor when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog’s collar, twists it, and breaks the dog’s neck, thus saving his friend.

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A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, “I’ll title it ‘Young Wolverine Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'”.

“But I’m not a Wolverine fan,” the little hero replies.

“Sorry, since we’re in Ann Arbor, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter, and he starts writing again. He asks “How does ‘Spartan Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack’ sound?”

“I’m not a Spartan fan either,” the boy says.

“Oh, I thought everyone in Michigan was either for the Wolverines or the Spartans. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.

I’m an Ohio State Buckeyes fan,” the boy replies. “They’re the best.”

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: “Juvenile Delinquent From Columbus Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

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odds

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One day my nephew decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to my wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “Go Michigan.” She yelled back, “Use hot water, a box of Tide and four cups of bleach.”

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A man at a restaurant leans over to the man at the next table and says, “Hey, do you want to hear a University of Michigan joke?”

The man didn’t look very happy. “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am six feet tall, 200 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to him is 6-5, 250 pounds and is also a Michigan graduate. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first man frowned. “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

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Practice in Ann Arbor was delayed for two hours yesterday when one of the players happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the field. Brady Hoke immediately suspended practice as the FBI was called in, who later determined that the substance was actually the goal line. Practice resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not encounter the substance again.

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Q: Why did they change the playing field at “The Big House” to cardboard?

A: Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.

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A grade school teacher who was a U of M graduate asked the class if they wanted Michigan to win the game. All the children raised their hands to be like the teacher except for one little girl. The teacher asked the little girl why she didn’t raise her hand. The little girl replied “because I like Ohio State”. Flustered, the teacher asked why she liked Ohio State. The little girl said “because my parents root for Ohio State. The teacher asked the little girl if she copied everything her parents did and the little girl replied “yep”. The teacher asked “What if your parents were idiots” and the little girl replied “Well … then I guess we would be Michigan fans”.

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A little boy and his mother were walking through the cemetery when they spotted a headstone that read “Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man.” The little boy turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”

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A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of K-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.

Cat in a Coil Spring

Cats are known for hiding in a car’s warm engine bay but I’ve never seen something like this before.

What’s the Scoop? — December 20, 2013

76XJS

1976 Jaguar XJ-S 350 V8 — $1800

When I was considering another car last summer, I contemplated this lump. But the pictures looked better than it did in person. It was fast and fun but would take some work to be as “nice” as my current car. However, the owner has lowered the price to a more reasonable $1800. So, it’s beginning to seem like a more reasonable possibility. Probably not but you never know.

2015 c-class

What do you think of the 2015 C-Class?

I’m still getting used to the pictures of the new C-Class. The front view looks good but I’m not yet sold on the side and corner shots. What do you think?

Volvo cars have 60% less injury rates

The latest independent data from Strada (Swedish Traffic Accident Data Acquisition) shows Volvos have nearly 60 per cent lower injury rates compared to average – and Sweden has one of the world’s lowest rates for injury in accidents. “We retain our uncompromising attitude to offering superior crash protection,” says Volvo safety specialist Jan Ivarsson.

I guess Chuck Norris always has to win.